What is Conspiracy Theory?

Conspiracy theory is anything other people believe that you don’t.

by Nowick Gray

Conspiracy theory is anything other people believe that you don’t.

Whatever lies outside the bubble called reality that your information providers blow for your consciousness to inhabit, you are instructed to call conspiracy theory.

When you lose an election, you explain it by fantasizing a conspiracy.

When you steal an election and others complain, they are conspiracy theorists.

Everyone knows conspiracies run the world, but to acknowledge it would disempower you and undermine your sense of innocence and agency in a world of your own imagining.

You take refuge in a theory of chaos, of blind chance, of disconnected events, of nothing making sense, of a narrative in your hands only, and all else is conspiracy theory.

You take part unconsciously in a conspiracy to delegitimize “the other party” by dismissing its followers as conspiracy theorists.

When your party conspires for power, it’s justified by the mission of “saving democracy.” When the other side conspires for power, it’s an impeachable offense, an act of terrorism.

Whatever the other side believes, however grounded in evidence and testimony, is out of bounds: thus “baseless” conspiracy theory.

Whatever your side believes—however cynical and far-fetched, however amplified to serve an agenda—is protected speech, denial of which is grounds for prosecution, cancellation, termination.

Anything that challenges the official narrative is conspiracy theory.

Anything the regime declares misinformation, disinformation, malinformation: conspiracy theory.

There can be only one official story, only one accredited college of experts, only one consortium of trusted media channels, only one code of ethics and politically correct behavior, only one sanctioned set of guidelines for acceptable speech. Anyone who questions the legitimacy of the above, or dares to uncover the documented origins, motives, and agenda of the above, is a conspiracy theorist.

Those who want to be in the in-group, who want to belong, who want to be one of us, who want to succeed and enjoy the perks of conformity, who want to enjoy the spoils of rapacious empire guilt-free, sign here with just a drop of your DNA-rich blood, and we will wipe your mind clean of any latent conspiracy theories.

Conspiracy theory is for thee, not for me.

Synonyms for conspiracy theory: dissent, free speech, research, independent media, right-wing, unofficial, unapproved, uncensored, unsanctioned, illegal, immoral, illegitimate, terrorist, hateful, racist, -phobic, denial, dangerous, unsafe, offensive, damaging, a threat to our democracy, fringe, extremist, weird, wacky, loony, misguided, under foreign influence, radical, unhinged, unaligned, unincorporated, unregulated, suspect, criminal, deranged, unfounded, defunded, unbranded, skepticism, critical thinking, debate, discussion, inquiry.

When our side conspires for the greater good, it’s not conspiracy, it’s democracy.

When the other side conspires against the greater good, it’s not conspiracy theory, it’s a threat to national security.

When you accuse our side of conspiracy, that’s a baseless conspiracy theory.

When we claim your side has conspired, it’s not conspiracy theory, it’s justice.

The opposite of conspiracy theory is cognitive dissonance: to keep you safe and secure.

To be without conspiracy theory is to own nothing, to know nothing, and to be happy.

Without conspiracy theory we have freedom to believe…

– that all assassinations are done by lone nuts.

– that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

– that the vax saved us from a deadly plague.

– that all wars are just wars, fought for honor and glory and self–defense.

– that we live in the best of all possible worlds, like it or not.

– that our country, right or wrong, is always right.

– that Joe Biden was sharp as a tack, until the day he wasn’t.

– that Kamala Harris was unelectable, until the day she was installed to lead the Party.

– that if the other side wins it will be the end of democracy, again.

– that our free economy is booming, thanks to our open borders.

– that all weather events are caused by manmade carbon dioxide.

– that all the world’s electricity can come from (we’ll think of something…).

– that humans are destined to discard obsolete notions of gender, family, nation and race.

– that with our party in power, all our needs and desires will be fulfilled.

– that if you vote for our party, all your needs and desires will be fulfilled too.

– that everything we claim to be true, must be true, by definition. For proof, it can be fact–checked in our updated dictionary, our expert–edited wikipedia page, our scrupulously scrubbed social media account, and our revised authoritative history.

Any questions? Please submit them in writing to our Bureau of Suspicious Inquiries, along with all applicable personal identification and tracking data. We look forward to your compliance!

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